cry it out/ detachment parenting. and harvard study on touch.

study out of harvard highlighting babies need for touch.

"
The pair say that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own.
"We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative side effects," Miller said."

 http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html

in other words having a strong bond with your child by responding to their cries actually makes them more independent and confidant later in life. ...

that being said it's really hard to know what will work for you children in how to raise them. each child is different and I firmly believe if you have to read about it in a book it's likely going against your instincts on how to raise that particular child. in my case it came down to my own confidence in myself... if you have to hide in another room to cry yourself when your child is crying (like i did often) , its not good for either of you. (though with things like PPD in play as was the case with me with my first it is necessary to recollect yourself. but then you go back in if you can handle it if not you ask for help, i had my husband and the ministry along with a family counsellor a therapist and psyc doc along with PPD support group and my public health nurse... but it is in yours and the child's best interest to not make disaster days like that become the norm) i dont think it's ok to let them cry (alone) even if nothing works (ive had those days)... they at least know you are there for them, if you are there in the room with them. there seriously were days i held and rocked both my girls while we both cried.

Attachment parenting was suggested to me by my infant development worker to help H out of her autistic traits and help her develop more typically. I believe though i had a hard time fighting the lack of instinct and attachment i had with her that all i did with attachment parenting helped her become the strong independent 3 year old she is today. she still has her days but she has come so far since. but in all honesty it was completely contrary to the kind of parent i thought i would be. I was an avid Super Nanny viewer and was all read up on tough love and trying to bend the children itno fitting into your life... until i had them myself. it just didn't seem right to go against their needs to suit myself. I read somewhere that havening a relationship with your child shouldn't be an adversarial one. they dont have another way to comunicate than to cry. if we feel we are butting heads with them the real problem is how we are reacting to the situation, and not the actual situation. I had to learn to have lower expectations on my children and  we three are much happier for it. Co sleeping baby wearing and responding to cries in due time has all helped both my girls, its a struggle to balance their needs but we're getting there... they both needed more touch than average for different reasons. and i indulged it with addy her instant banshee cries have gotten slowly to more of an average cry. =)

sleep has been a MAJOR issue around our home with Hubby not sleeping well with his snoring and  children yes even the tree year old wakes up at night and needs us to help her soothe... and its normal!

from the no cry sleep solution:

The No-Cry Sleep Solution Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night

Buy the book at Amazon: USA | Canada | UK When Your Baby Wakes Frequently To Breastfeed or Bottle-Feed If your baby is waking up every hour or two to breastfeed, bottle-feed, or locate his pacifier, you may be wondering just what it is that causes him to wake up so often. The realiity is that brief nighttime awakenings are a normal part of human sleep, regardless of age. All babies experience these. The difference with your baby, who requires nighttime care every hour or two, is that he is involving you in all his brief awakening periods. Your baby makes a “sleep association,” wherein he associates certain things with falling asleep and believes he needs these things to fall asleep. My baby, Coleton, spent much time in his early months in my arms, his little head bobbing to the tune of my computer keyboard. From the very moment he was born, he slept beside me, nursing to sleep for every nap and every bedtime. By the time I looked up, he was 12 months old, firmly and totally entrenched in a breastfeeding-to-sleep association. Your baby, like my Coleton, has learned to associate sucking (having your nipple or his bottle or pacifier in his mouth) with sleeping. I have heard a number of sleep experts refer to this as a “negative sleep association.” I certainly disagree, and so would my baby! It is probably the most positive, natural, pleasant sleep association a baby can have. The problem with this association is not the association itself, but our busy lives. If you had nothing whatsoever to do besides take care of your baby, this would be a very pleasant way to pass your days and nights until he naturally outgrew the need. After all, this is natural. You may not even see this as a problem, in which case it is not. It's all a matter of your perception and your personal needs. -emphasis mine

http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/0071381392.php?nid=172&isbn=0071381392

i could not agree more that most parenting "troubles" are a matter of perception! hayls is three and still uses her sucky to sleep. almost got rid of it but wasn't able to once she got sick this winter. if she had been breastfed from the source she likely would still be doing that. and i personally dont see anything wrong with it.


anyway i have many ideas on this subject and before i start sounding judgmental as that is not my intent, and the only one i judge is myself and my thoughts on what is needed before i even had them. as ignorant as those ideas turned out to be ... lol.

stuff.

well we have been going through the ones we got at the health food store from enzymedica called Digest gold. i can say they are awsome but not perfect, bor both Dave and Hayls. i mean if we forget for a day even she is the whiney bump on a log again. with them along with the probiotics epsom salt baths or homemade cream and antifungals (natural or rx) she is such a sweety. she is my hayls.


it was hard to know what was going on with her when she was younger because she didnt communicate she was in pain she was one of those kids who had an "automatic smile" it didnt always mean she was happy and content no it was every emotion pretty much. so it was hard to know if she truly reacted to anything unless there was physical proof. i had to geuss and i was overwhelmed trying to figure it all out without any feedback from her.

I do know she made huge leaps when i started taking my potent vitamins when she was 10 mo for my Post partum depression. but she still had so far to go, and  i had no faith in my parenting. I would ask everyone in my support team (infant development family support worker social worker etc) for ideas in parenting her. i had no instincts and the ones i had were suspect to me. and i felt odd forcing myself to do the things i know i would do if i didnt have PPD like simply rocking her.

but as I learned about my needs with biomedical treatments (supplements) i learned what she needed too. much of it I dont feel comfortable doing  on my own but Im likely not to find the support i want so I am on my own. though my naturopath is willing to read up on things and give her thoughts. much of it is just as new to her as it is me. and much of this is completely foreign to my peid though he fully supports the probiotics and enzymes. as it *does* work. and he even mentioned probiotics he recommends.

but I nee dot get over my lack of confidence in myself and my convictions on things of health. (my world was shaken with the birth of addy and my husband thinks much of what i learned is suspect. in essence i don't have his full support and i desperately need it. much of what i know in my heart will help H is contraversail and i doubt he would be supportive and more than likely will let me know that im not a dr in a very condescending way and it tears me to pieces each time. i have to start over rebuilding my faith in myself and my well informed decisions. its not his intent but he may as well say "youre crazy and your opinion doesn't matter and it never will."

sigh

any way will be trying the Huston enzymes soon *maybe* just *maybe* we all can start to kick our food intolerances. I miss cheese lol!

the days are getting better.

well not fully better but on the upswing. she still complains of pain randomly but she hasnt woken up screaming from it lately so that means either the growing pains stopped for now and or the virus and or whatever else was causeing H pain is causing less of it.

Dr suggested Nike and someother kind of shoe (n cant remember the name)  to help her with her flat feet. and maybe she will some day be able to run and jump (we hope?) but its so much easier to catch up with her if she cant! lol. i do have to put the chiro on the todo list but i dont have as much faith in my current one as i did the one from edmonton. she keeps bruising her tail bone and she is so skinny there isnt much padding there something seems off. maybe i will mention it to the peid next week.

she still often spends much of the day in her own little fantasy world recounting scenes from movies and tv shows. spending some extra time each day to try and get her to respond when she is asked her name. she did for a short while but no longer does. she also assigns ownership to everything to "baby" and "dolly" when it's hers. thoguh she does say it is "mines" or "my" my often comes with a stutter so maybe thats why she doesn't use it much anymore.

the hyper activeness at night is something else.

H's digestion is getting better between the anti-fungal  meds probiotics and digestive enzymes, much less tummy pain. most days she eats at least three meals a day when before i was lucky if she ate once.

peids

well we got testing for autoimmune but likely its just more like her immune system is low and will just be one of those kids that keps getting sick. and her being so sick off and on is likely an inflamitory reaction to a virus that she picked up not likely to be contagous still but she will be picking up more bugs easily unless we can support her immune system. and the peid said to keep her home away from other kids for at least a week to give her body a break.

on the plus side she grew and gained weight since her last check. she is over 32lbs now =) thats 3 lbs!

will be working with the naturopath to work on her digestion and immune system (same difference really. 80% of the immune system is in the gut im sure ive said that before)



addy is still just over 20lbs she has dropped to the 75% tile but she is still a big chunk lol. peid isnt worried nor was i i was just curious. H had stopped growing for 8 months one year (but she was over a year old) he also said its normal for some babies just stall out in growth, if they are otherwise healthy its all good. =)


also after a mostly good day yesterday h is sleepy and defiant again today. =(

Hayls and addy plus yeast overgrowth enzymes and probiotics

just not sure what to think of what is going on.

she has always had digestive issues, from milk alergy, reflux to being intolerant to anything with iron in it other than breastmilk or she didnt also get enough breastmilk, she would get backed up as a young baby/ toddler. at 16 mo with a viral infection she then went the other way she has near constant diareah. the only things that have helped so far are antifungals, probiotics (which also help with yeast overgrowth in the gut if thats it) and digestive enzymes.

its been hard to get her to take them consistantly.

recently she has been getting sick about ever other or every third week, first rotavirus, then a flu like illness, then thrush and at the same time her whole disposition changed not that it wasnt begining to. it just got really bad. and then came the growing pains on top of the recurant random joint pain, along with rosy cheeks chronic off and on fever, refusing to eat even more so.rotten egg burps and bad gas and smelly poo and the "alergy shiners"  (it looks like we beat her when she eats something she is intolerant to but we cant figure out what it is) tounge pain from the yeast wasnt helping. with the eating, but there was a few days she bearly slept at all. we even stayed home for christmas she was so out of it and she looked like it was contagous but its been so chronic and spurradic i'm not so sure.


there are so many things it could be. and the things we used to do but slacked off on seem to help, like epsom salt baths, the enzymes, and found another probiotic she will take. and added perscription antifungals. her poop has been normal for three days. normal for a regular person. its weird...

I was just so worried looking at her curled on the couch in pain and so tired, would have been different if it was just another flu that only she got... and have known thats what it was, but with her history and my families
i really dont think thats what it is.

the oddest thing is this started the week after she was exposed to chicken pox she didn't get it but she started acting off and kept getting sick for the next two months... could have been coincidence but who knows.


Addy and i keep passing yeast back and fourth too. it hurts the ( o Y o ) lol she had the worst thrush ever after the second round of viruses in less than a month that she ever had. 80% of the immune system is in the gut... yeast is actualy a good thing in moderation and helps kill the viruses but it can overgrow esp in immature immune systems esp with lil ones with food intolerances. or in the immune compromised or the lucky gene pool i seem to be from.

ive been witnessing yeast issues my whole life between my dad and us kids. Im always trying to get it under control. it affects my mood i cant imagine how the little ones feel... i just want it gone. sigh

anyway enough about that for now.

for h we think maybe its autoimmune or has to do with food intolerances which i think is just a cause of autoimmune problems. and leads back to the unbalanced tummy... there are some enzymes made to help combat her specific problem. and many kids with diatery alergy/ intolerances are after a few months able to add the foods in their diet without a reaction! im hopeful.

It was formulated for autisim but H has the exact same symptom set they do and has a delay and earlier on would have met the criteria for high functiioning autism but no longer does. despite her many traits that sometimes creep up, they are fleeting now most times. other than her mild obsessions and her hyper-activeness and her trouble sleeping. esp if we can fix her tummy.

alison reminded me its time to take her back to the chiro. i used ot often but couldnt afford it for a while. there is something going on around her tail bone that can be affecting her. and she keeps bruising it.

there are no coincidences

first i want to thank alison at http://alisonsattic.blogspot.com/ whom i have known since i was 15, for having the courage to put words to her feelings. something I used to have but since the birth of Addison i have lost my courage. i let other peoples fears control my decisions regauding the birth and lost a huge part of myself giveing into that fear, and i have yet to even attemp to gain some of my power back.


i spent last night lost in my intrusive thoughts about it. I ended up with ptsd again from the birth and nicu stay. and there is so many things i believe in i now find triggering that whole experience. the birth made me feel like i was less than a woman and a person and my opinions don't matter. I wasn't ready until now to begin facing it. it makes me revaluate all of my values and want to just give in.

but more on the specifics later. my mind is in jumbles and it would be a meandering mess to recount it right now.

Ali spoke today of her uncharacteristic thoughts (whether intrusive or comforting or just both (confusing) its not clear) about god church and the like.

i have been looking at going to church for at the very least support and to be a part of something. i feel odd even talking about this... but i need to challenge myself and gain back my faith, not necessarily in god as i always believed in something greater, but my faith in myself.

church always bugged me because of the hipocracy of it all and how many came across. but it (church) still means something to me dispite the fact i never felt i belonged there, i know now that was in part my borderline personality traits and i often don't feel i belong anywhere. I feel those creeping in and takeing over dispite the hard work i did in therapy.

it's funny DBT is based on religion but its secular. the ideals and what i beleive the original intents for religion are clearly outlined in it in plain speak, while going through it last year i found myself longing for church. it is a form of therapy to me, it often illuminates lessons i am holding myself back from learning. the goal in either dbt or church is the same, to be a better stronger version of myself, the difference is with dbt is you look within yourself to forgive/accept yourself rather than asking for an external force to do it for you. there is just more accountability in it, much like Buddhism.

that being said, i don't believe it really matters what you call the entity you "pray" to all that matters is we each do our own personal growth and take accountability for it. and like in dbt "radically accept" the outcome of our choices and our current situations.

accept what is for what it is even if we don't like it, and find ways to improve it rather than let it control us.

Hayls support plan.

well, she is already getting physio, speech therapy,  early childhood psycoligy, but today they agian brought up playschool which i was under the impression the child needs to be potty trained, which hayls is likely  not close to. but i also didnt think she needed / qualified for an aid or OT (occupational therapist) in class. so we didnt persue it also it may be covered with a special needs grant based on her history.


she is one of those kids who saves up her skills until she knows she can get it right, yes she is a perfectionist ;) she comes by that naturally.

she also watches others intently and copies what they do.


she is also very inquzitive and clever, dispite her delay i honestly dont think she will have much trouble in life (except for her perfectionisim/ obsessiveness as that can get quite intense at times) she is also a very happy socail kid dispite her shyness.