there are no coincidences

first i want to thank alison at http://alisonsattic.blogspot.com/ whom i have known since i was 15, for having the courage to put words to her feelings. something I used to have but since the birth of Addison i have lost my courage. i let other peoples fears control my decisions regauding the birth and lost a huge part of myself giveing into that fear, and i have yet to even attemp to gain some of my power back.


i spent last night lost in my intrusive thoughts about it. I ended up with ptsd again from the birth and nicu stay. and there is so many things i believe in i now find triggering that whole experience. the birth made me feel like i was less than a woman and a person and my opinions don't matter. I wasn't ready until now to begin facing it. it makes me revaluate all of my values and want to just give in.

but more on the specifics later. my mind is in jumbles and it would be a meandering mess to recount it right now.

Ali spoke today of her uncharacteristic thoughts (whether intrusive or comforting or just both (confusing) its not clear) about god church and the like.

i have been looking at going to church for at the very least support and to be a part of something. i feel odd even talking about this... but i need to challenge myself and gain back my faith, not necessarily in god as i always believed in something greater, but my faith in myself.

church always bugged me because of the hipocracy of it all and how many came across. but it (church) still means something to me dispite the fact i never felt i belonged there, i know now that was in part my borderline personality traits and i often don't feel i belong anywhere. I feel those creeping in and takeing over dispite the hard work i did in therapy.

it's funny DBT is based on religion but its secular. the ideals and what i beleive the original intents for religion are clearly outlined in it in plain speak, while going through it last year i found myself longing for church. it is a form of therapy to me, it often illuminates lessons i am holding myself back from learning. the goal in either dbt or church is the same, to be a better stronger version of myself, the difference is with dbt is you look within yourself to forgive/accept yourself rather than asking for an external force to do it for you. there is just more accountability in it, much like Buddhism.

that being said, i don't believe it really matters what you call the entity you "pray" to all that matters is we each do our own personal growth and take accountability for it. and like in dbt "radically accept" the outcome of our choices and our current situations.

accept what is for what it is even if we don't like it, and find ways to improve it rather than let it control us.

Hayls support plan.

well, she is already getting physio, speech therapy,  early childhood psycoligy, but today they agian brought up playschool which i was under the impression the child needs to be potty trained, which hayls is likely  not close to. but i also didnt think she needed / qualified for an aid or OT (occupational therapist) in class. so we didnt persue it also it may be covered with a special needs grant based on her history.


she is one of those kids who saves up her skills until she knows she can get it right, yes she is a perfectionist ;) she comes by that naturally.

she also watches others intently and copies what they do.


she is also very inquzitive and clever, dispite her delay i honestly dont think she will have much trouble in life (except for her perfectionisim/ obsessiveness as that can get quite intense at times) she is also a very happy socail kid dispite her shyness.

back to blogging.

i used to blog, years ago. Looked for my old one looks like it doesnt exist anymore. now it would be considered emo so maybe it's better off left where it is.

my life hopefully has evolved since then. I know my perspective has changed somewhat.

Any way I look forward to posting more, as I have time.